Forgiveness does not make the other person right, it sets you free.
- Stormie Omartian -
I was physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused for 6 years, from age 7 till 12 by my teacher in school. The abuse was a day-to-day occurrence and was definitely a form of oppression.
by Jovina Chan
I was physically, emotionally, verbally and mentally abused for 6 years, from age 7 till 12 by my teacher in school. The abuse was a day-to-day occurrence and was definitely a form of oppression.
If you meet me today (which I hope I can with some of you reading this), you would not believe it. This is because of the finished work of Jesus on the cross. He has delivered me, restored me and my healing is complete. I do have the memories of all that has happened, but they are powerless and no longer have a grip on me, I no longer suffer the emotional effects of it. I was set free by the age of 14. Often times our healing process is not easy but it is not impossible. I hope my story will help you with your steps toward wholeness and transformation!
1. Identify
The moment we are born into this world, we are not sheltered or immune to trauma, pain and disappointments. The question is how have you dealt with them? And how do you deal with them today?
The symptoms of unresolved pain will show up in your behavior one way or another. Depending on the severity of your wounds or how you cope with them, it manifests itself in different forms for different people. Addictions, fear, anxiety, depression, insomnia, suicidal tendencies are some of the obvious symptoms. Lost of identity, insecurities, anger issues and hypersensitivity are some of the others. The first step is to reflect and identify your triggers. People closest to you, friends, mentors, family, may be able to point out some, and most times the Holy Spirit can also reveal to you.
Well for me given that the abuse was in my formative years, I did not even have the vocabulary for what I was going through then. It was only when a leader in church with a gift of discernment, prayed over me and called out some of the issues of my heart (she did not even know me that well), only then I realised I had a series of problems that were all connected to the same root cause! As a kid I felt helpless, trapped, ashamed, and worst of all – fearful about everything. I built a wall around my heart thinking that it would protect me, but in real life I was numb. I suffered from hatred, bitterness, anger, lost of my identity and had inferiority complex.
"As a kid I felt helpless, trapped, ashamed, and worst of all – fearful about everything. I built a wall around my heart thinking that it would protect me, but in real life I was numb. I suffered from hatred, bitterness, anger, lost of my identity and had inferiority complex."
2. Acceptance
Hear me out, this may be the most difficult step to acknowledge, oh trust me, I know. As painful as the hurt may have been, as deep as the wound and as traumatic as the experience may have haunted you, the big step towards healing is often times acceptance. Accept that it happened, but it does not define you or your future, it is not who you are!
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14). You are who you are because of the blood of the Lamb, you are a son and daughter of the Most High God because He created you, He loves you and He is the closest to you in your pain. Trust me, trust Him, there is light at the end of the tunnel - wholeness and restoration are waiting for you. Just as the verse says, it is time you know that full well. It is time that trauma no longer has power over you and it comes by knowing that people around you love you and your Father in Heaven LOVES you.
"You are a son and daughter of the Most High God because He created you, He loves you and He is the closest to you in your pain. Trust me, trust Him, there is light at the end of the tunnel"
3. Seek Help
This is so important and I cannot stress it enough. You are not alone; do not go through it alone and in isolation. Help is here, it is around you, and it is waiting for you. As uncomfortable and difficult as the process may be, I encourage you to be open and willing. There is no shame in asking for help. I thank God for my loving parents and a safe church community, my parents did not know the extent of what happened; I had to open up to them.
The first place to look is probably your inner circle – family, friends, pastor, mentor or community. Identify and approach someone that you feel can provide you with a safe space to share and can give you support and not tear you down. It can perhaps be someone who has also gone through a similar experience and has overcome.
If it is something that is reoccurring, like an abuse that is still ongoing, or symptoms that are very severe, I urge you to get out of that situation or environment as quick as possible, and to seek professional and medical help. Be it a professional counselor, therapist, doctor, NGO, psychiatrist or even the authorities. There are people who can help you and journey with you. We are made up of body, soul and spirit, when one part is affected, most likely it will affect the other parts of you as well. Therefore, if you need 2, 3 or more avenues of help, go for it, you are a courageous person for saying ‘I need help’! If you find yourself in a severe situation that needs to involve the authorities and it needs to be reported, kindly do so, as you are not only helping yourself but preventing it from happening to others as well. 4. Forgiveness
I love this quote by Stormie Omartian, "forgiveness does not make the other person right, it sets you free". It is so true. I took 2 full years intentionally working on forgiving the person who abused me. I soon learnt that forgiveness is actually one of the big keys in unlocking healing and wholeness. Do not get me wrong, forgiveness does not validate the behavior of the person who has hurt you, but it sets your heart free from the poison of hatred and stops the pain from eating you up.
It is not an overnight process, and it is a conscious choice and you will most definitely not ‘feel’ like it! Nevertheless, you need to, you need to let go and release it, however long that process may take you. I started off by saying God even if I do not feel like it, I choose to forgive and surrender myself into Your hands, please help me. Every time I prayed that prayer I felt like I saw through new lenses. I began to realize that people who are hurt, hurt other people. I began to find out that my abuser was going through a painful divorce at that time. I cannot believe the torment she must have been going through to do what she did to me and to many more children. I began to pray for her as if she was a friend and I could not believe it but I had compassion for her. “It was definitely not by might, not by power but by the Holy Spirit” (Zechariah 4:6). I believe it was through knowing that Daddy God loves me, but He loves her too, He came and died for her too.
Depending on your situation, forgiveness also does not mean that you have to be friends with that person or allow that person to continue to be part of your life. My abuser was definitely not a part of my life after I left primary school. Remember that you are doing it for your healing, and every story is different, therefore, exercise wisdom and compassion. God is a just God, so allow Him to lead you and let Him be the judge. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord (Romans 12:19)
5. Finding Purpose
Pain or trauma may have set you back 5 steps, but when you heal and overcome, it launches you 15 steps forward, further than when you originally started! Just as Pastor Joel Osteen often says, it is not a setback, it is a set up for greater things ahead. “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:20).
Through my experience, I’ve had to unlearn and relearn, and we will have to in the recovery process. I am grateful for what I have gone through as it has made me more resilient and compassionate towards people who are suffering. In and through finding my wholeness, I found myself, my purpose and mission as well. It has launched me into my ministry with women since my teenage years and into doing why I do what I do even up till today. Behind closed doors, I have the honour of doing life with many women even as God brings them my way, to help them walk out of their pains and into their restoration.
Before I end, I just have one thing to say, what God can do for me He can and will do for you too, with your version of your story. Just allow Him to.
Take care and God bless!
by Jovina Chan
About the Article Contributor :
Jovina is passionate about empowering women and helping them discover the best version of themselves. She considers herself a businesswoman in the women’s business with a purpose. She is a Professional Makeup Artist and is also trained in marketing and communications over the past 7 years. Not only does she do life with women around her, she also stands for the rights of others who suffer from abuse. She is big on causes relating to women, children, human-trafficking and refugees. She has a huge personality and indulges in everything creative - from makeup, fashion, design, food, art and more.
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