"Don’t know about you, but this year, many social channels were flooded with photos of newly-born babies, newlyweds, and don’t they just make you feel… a little lonely? But it’s time to realise that this time of singlehood is meant to build and strengthen you as an individual. ”
by Joshua Devaratnam
Maybe it’s been a difficult season of waiting for that significant other to arrive. Your well-meaning family and friends might have talked you into a few blind dates, none of which turned out as expected. Or you’ve even checked out some legit dating sites but haven’t come across any potentials.
Well, nothing wrong with wanting to take some steps in the life partner direction, but what if I told you that your years as a single person are just as significant as getting into a relationship?
Even if you’ve moved on from a past relationship, ever wonder if perhaps taking time to maximise your season as a single person might be the wisest thing you can do for yourself?
Whether it’s been awhile since you were in a relationship, you’re still raw from a recent break-up or if you’ve never been with anyone, you’re faced with a choice.
You can either frantically pursue a relationship, or actively embrace your single season.
Tough choice, I agree.
"Being single feels so sucky at times! All your friends are getting engaged, getting married, and you’re bombarded by all those posts on IG daily, aaarghh! I feel you, because it sucked for me too. Until I realised the wonderful opportunity that singlehood presents. "
Not many people make full use of their single years, which is a pity because it is actually such a gift. And if you are willing to read on, I promise you will come to appreciate the benefits of being single.
So don’t click that close button just yet, please bear with me!
For starters, it’s really a matter of perspective. In each season of your life, there is a purpose to be achieved.
There is a purpose to achieve in singlehood, and there is a purpose to achieve when you date or when you are married.
My advice to you would be to refuse to short change yourself in your years as a single, and really squeeze out the full benefit of that season.
Everyone focuses on dating and marriage, but they don’t tell you that singlehood is probably the most important season of your life. Why is the season of singleness so important?
Truth is, there are certain things you’re only able to do when you’re single! This is a season that you’ll never get back!
Like your college or school years, once the season has passed you will not get those years back. So make the best of it!
Singlehood is also the set-up for an amazing marriage – if you embrace this season well!
As a single person, how will I benefit? Well, I’m glad you asked that question!
Discovering Your True Identity
There is no better time than your single years for discovering who you really are.
This is a time when you find out the most about your identity as a person.
There are physical characteristics that we all know about ourselves; height, approximate weight and gender being the obvious ones. Being single affords you a unique opportunity to really find out who you are. The good, the bad, the indifferent… all laid bare. Your strengths, weaknesses, and insecurities exposed.
"In the season of embracing your solitude, so much gets revealed. Vow to learn and uncover everything about yourself. Resolve to tackle your demons, rather than keeping them under wraps. "
So many potentially great relationships are ruined because we carry unresolved baggage from our childhood, and as we move from one relationship to the next.
Being single is when you can undistractedly pursue finding out who you are, why you are here, what makes you tick (or ticked off!), and why you do the things you do. And then, working on ironing out the things that surface.
Coming out of previous relationships, I found that I had deep issues that I needed to deal with. I took time to really work on those areas, and gave myself a minimum of 2 years before I would even consider dating again.
It’s been 6 years to date, and I’m still single but very much content with my season of singleness! Some of you may be thinking, Man, in this time and age, that’s too darn long! Haha, it does get to me at times truth be told!
But here’s the thing, in giving myself time to deal with my hidden fears, insecurities and struggles, and never short-changing the process of restoration and recovery, I have grown so much in faith, courage and purpose.
I would advise those of you reading this to really focus on discovering who you are first before stepping into a relationship.
When you are whole as a person and have a healthy sense of your worth and purpose, you attract people of quality.
Because of so many insecurities I had in the past, I never realised I had the gifts of writing and public-speaking. I would never have thought to start The Courage Catalogue, nor believed I would have the guts to quit a full-time job in Law and pursue a career in music.
If I had short-changed my years as a single person, I would never have ventured into any of these areas.
Pursuing Your Destiny
Being single is also when you can fully dedicate your time to pursuing your destiny and dreams.
It is a time when you can take bigger risks with career and finance decisions with less fear of others having to pay for your mistakes.
Please don’t get me wrong – I’m not asking you to blindly step into ventures that are super-risky and set yourself up for failure! I’m just saying the only person at risk could be you, which means you can minimise any consequences.
"Taking calculated risks when you are single allows you to explore the limits of what is possible in the areas of your passion minus the burden of dragging a partner or family along through the uncertainty. "
This is also the best season because you have the time and space to give your dreams your ALL.
Remember, folks, every season in your life has a purpose. One powerful purpose of the singlehood season is to identify and pursue your dreams and passions, so pleaseeee maximise your opportunities to do this while you wait!
So many have entered into relationships that ended becoming unhealthy simply because they were distracted with discovering life purpose when it should have already been in place or at least in process before that.
What should be fully explored during your years of singlehood ends up getting less attention most times when you are juggling time with a partner.
Again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you cannot do these things when you are dating someone. What I’m saying is that you can better give your undivided attention to this pursuit when you are single, as opposed to trying to find it when you are caught up with dating someone.
Personally, I have found undivided time to pursue a career in music in this season of waiting and a website/blog was birthed in this time as well. What may have begun as a season of trying to survive, instead became one where I have thrived, as I focused on discovering my identity and purpose!
When you meet someone, you must ideally have already discovered your identity and be working towards your destiny. These traits and qualities of focus, discipline, purpose and confidence will ultimately attract the right people into your life.
Whether it comes with monetary rewards or not, immerse yourself in the process.
You will never truly be fulfilled unless you find and love what you do.
Developing Your Best Life
Another great way to really maximise your season of singlehood is to develop the best version of yourself.
Being single allows you to develop skills and talents you may have forgotten about, or didn’t even know you had.
It allows you to learn how to do things independently and cope with change. Creating the life you desire is a journey. And the reward for a journey of self-discovery is a new-found confidence and sense of contentment.
You have choices, options and the freedom to pursue and develop the areas that you always wanted to develop.
I have friends who are taking dance lessons, music lessons, learning different languages, taking acting classes, and so forth.
Take this time to travel the world and experience different cultures (when it is safe to travel again, of course!). Seizing these opportunities means you’ll get to live and enjoy the life you’ve always wanted!
Use your singlehood to get fit and healthy!
If you never cultivate this habit even as a single person, it is highly unlikely that you will do it when you are dating.
Struggles in relationship can be the cause of many mental health issues such as depression, which is often to blame for an expanding waistline from comfort eating your way to an all-too-fleeting sugar high, or devouring one-too-many convenience meals in front of the TV.
Even a familiar, safe and comfortable relationship rarely stirs the physical beast within. Yet, studies show your physical and emotional well-being are intrinsically linked.
Use your single season to learn how to nourish your body with quality, whole foods and benefit from the feel-good endorphins that exercise provides. You’ll gain huge self-confidence and a sense of achievement from your efforts to build a strong and healthy body.
Plus you’ll have the satisfaction of politely declining admiring suitors captivated by your recent physical and mental transformations! Pheeewiitt!
To conclude, as you work on discovering who you are as a person and finding the things that truly fill the spaces in your life, I challenge you to take some time to seek out who your Creator is.
If you are someone who maybe does not know or believe in God, I would encourage you to look for the truth.
Trust me, when you dig deep to ask the right questions, you will discover the truth enables you to see yourself and your life clearly.
You might have noticed that I keep emphasising on wholeness and completeness as a person – this can only be achieved when you are complete in Jesus.
All it takes are the simple words, Jesus, if you are real, I would like to experience completeness in you. Would you steer my life?
For the believer, God’s Word reminds you that your life is complete in Christ.
No one else can fill this void, not even a partner.
If you struggle with this, perhaps it’s time to get real with God and deepen your walk with Him.
When you are ready for the next step of your life, be assured that He will nudge you in the right direction towards the partner He has prepared for you.
Until then, start developing the mindset of a good husband or wife.
Discover what you want in a partner, but more importantly, what is expected of YOU in a relationship or marriage, while you are single.
Cultivate the skills and mentality of sacrificial love, responsibility and commitment that are required to be a good spouse.
It will be the greatest gift to your future spouse, when you have learnt how to give your best to bring out their best!
Cheers have have a great day!
By Joshua Devaratnam
Founder of The Courage Catalogue
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