I was actually a victim of a very toxic, manipulative and an emotionally abusive relationship. My previous relationships of 5 years each were no different. It just got worse each time; a different kind of worse.
By Sharon Tanusha
Some days back, Facebook refreshed my memory of an old status I wrote; “Rejection Is The Best Source Of Motivation.” I also recalled the time I penned those words down was during a point of breakdown in my life. I stood at the crossroads, not knowing how I could control that meltdown. Everything felt beyond me.
I was emotionally unstable, most times I was in denial, at times I just wanted to accept reality and move on, but I couldn’t. My thoughts and my feelings were at loggerheads the whole time. Some say listen to your heart for it knows best, some say follow your brain and stay rational. I was confused by everyone, everything and by myself. I was even unsure if my brain was functioning or if my heart was truthful.
I was actually a victim of a very toxic, manipulative and an emotionally abusive relationship. My previous relationships of 5 years each were no different. It just got worse each time; a different kind of worse.
When I finally thought that I found a man of my stature, someone I deemed fit for me in every aspect, someone who knew how to love me the way I wanted...la la la land….pop! Poof! …..I was slapped with the harsh truth that I was a fool all along. And yet I wanted him, I even tried to pretend that all the mishaps in the relationship were a dream, I would do anything to get this man back. I could imagine myself with no one else and as if this was the only man in the world. Though I did no wrong, I was willing to change every bit of myself to make me look like the better option in his eyes.
“Rejection Is The Best Source Of Motivation.” I also recalled the time I penned those words down was during a point of breakdown in my life. I stood at the crossroads, not knowing how I could control that meltdown. "
It took me two years to overcome that break up.
Two years after the massive passive aggressive break-up that I received no closure for, I finally gathered composure to lay it all to rest and to move on. I wanted my peace of mind back, I wanted to give myself the things I deserve,...it is about time anyway!
Those 2 years felt like 2 centuries. I was dying repeated deaths on a daily basis. Like what if you were dead but you were still breathing? I was forced to live with each day passing. It was painful and unbearable, sometimes I am still amazed at how strong I was and how much stronger I am now.
With support and prayers from loved ones, good friends and their mums, as well as the mustered courage within myself, I moved on! Yes, I finally did. I got so tired of feeling broken, shattered, betrayed and hurt. It was draining. In those post-break up 2 years, I also changed my profession and took up a new job to forget the past.
Rejection is draining
Now when I reflect on that Facebook status, in NO way is REJECTION motivating. Rejection is soul draining, it is a catalyst for confusion, a suppressor of self-esteem.
Rejection can tear you down, especially if it is coming from a source that you have high regard for.
Rejection could be from a company after a job interview, it could be rejection for a place or course at a university, it could even be having your song request on a radio station being rejected by the DJ or the request to stay over at a friend’s being rejected by your parents.
The rejection I faced is from a man whom I truly loved and saw a possibility of a lifetime with.
When you have so much hope, trust or love in someone or something, and they turn you down, your vulnerable self can react in many different ways. No rejection is too big or too small, to each his own. The person who faces this rejection sees this as a magnified circumstance. Underlying the rejection is the investment into the thing or person we were trying to secure in the first place.
"Rejection is soul draining, it is a catalyst for confusion, a suppressor of self-esteem. Rejection can tear you down, especially if it is coming from a source that you have high regard for. "
Imagine, rejecting other jobs because you were so confident in getting this one? The amount of time you would have put into preparing for the interview, the travel cost - parking, tol, fuel, etc. Same with a relationship - the amount of emotions, thoughts, feelings, energy, time and money put in. Only to realise, it was a rotten investment.
The realisation that came about was that “rejection” is actually a wake up call! Having 3 straight failed relationships was a wakeup call! I could not change the “boys” I dated. But I could reflect and check my decisions, my behaviour and my habits that were consistent throughout these 3 relationships. I realised that I refused to pick up signals when they were right there in front of me. I was repeatedly forgiving of the same mistakes.
He cheated on me? I forgave at least 3 times before making a decision to leave. I had to let something cause me excruciating pain before actually letting it go. I had abundant patience in an unreasonable way. I did not listen to friends and family who prayed for me and said they had no peace about the relationship.
I realised that I was dating men with similar traits - indicating that I never learnt. I realised that none of them were actually at par with me. I was making myself smaller so that they could look bigger, trying to take a step back so they could “lead”, little did I realise, this led me to destruction.
Rejections are reminders that it is time to change something about yourself because the strategy just ain’t working. And for me, I needed to listen more! Listen to the RIGHT people who would care for you, cry with you and celebrate for you. Sometimes, we don’t see, but the people who love us can see.
I needed to check myself on who I was. In the process of prolonged years of bad relationships, I had lost quite a bit of my identity. I learnt that it is not about jumping from one relationship to another. It is about taking time to heal, to reflect and learning to be alone as a “single” individual.
I needed to rebuild my self esteem. Many times, I was made to feel mediocre. Why am I settling when I know I deserve a better man or a better job? I gave so much of love away, I forgot to love myself. What about my well deserved sleep that I was sacrificing to speak on the phone? My health, my well being, my mental health?
"Rejections are reminders that it is time to change something about yourself because the strategy just ain’t working. And for me, I needed to listen more! Listen to the RIGHT people who would care for you, cry with you and celebrate for you"
I finally saw the need to get my life back; live my dreams again, to build my career, to be successful on my own, to eat clean, to exercise more, to sleep better. I saw my simple needs that could bring huge changes to my life. I am still a work in progress and it’s great...because if there is nothing left to work on, there is no point living. Rejections brought about realisations.
Those realisations opened my eyes and my soul to what is and what ought to be and what could be. I finally accepted the predicament. The relationship has failed, nothing I did could ever fix it and he will never be mine. I accepted how damaged I was, I accepted how far behind I had fallen behind all my peers who have successful marriages and careers - I knew I too could have been them. I was not unworthy or undeserving. I accepted that there would be a lot of repair work that needs doing. But I better start now or I could be miserable forever. Everyone works on different timelines and it is never too late to reboot.
What is motivating is SELF ACCEPTANCE, SELF FORGIVENESS, SELF LOVE and CARE, SELF ESTEEM and SELF WORTH. All these aspects of the “self” opens your eyes to all the good things that could possibly be yours if you let the past stay in the past, let bygones be bygones, move on and embrace with open arms what God wants to bless you with. Rejection has a negative connotation. Though it could be a good trigger for self reflection and a good wake up call, something negative should never be a source of motivation.
I can only thank God for not answering my prayers then. Because what I have now is what I truly would have wanted, but did not know it was possible. I have a successful career, a good self care routine, high self awareness, and a tight circle of friends and a very stable healthy relationship with the people around me. Sometimes, it still feels surreal.
God probably got tired of my misjudgements in relationships. He probably couldn't handle me making the same mistakes over and over again that is detrimental and destructive to me. It was a final lesson with a note: The Best Is Next. I can finally say I have realised, I have accepted, I have learnt. This acceptance and self awareness motivated me to go after what I truly deserve. Everyone needs motivation. We can never run out of it. The best motivation is to always look forward to what’s next and what lies ahead. First, we have to move on from the current circumstance. There is power and courage in moving on.
How do we move on?
Recognise the situation, accept the reality, forgive yourself, reevaluate your self worth and build your self esteem and give yourself the love you deserve. You are so good, God made you whole, you are your best motivation!
by Sharon Tanusha
About the Article Contributor :
Sharon Tanusha is currently a high school teacher in an international school. She carries three years of teaching experience. Prior to this, Sharon had served her scholarship bond for five years at Securities Commission Malaysia. She spent three years in the UK during her undergraduate years and pursued a degree in Economics and Finance in the UK.
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