"In a time like this where time equals money, we get little to no rest. Racing heartbeats, traffic rush, flaring tempers are all daily norms. In this article, the writer shares her take on how stress and anxiety led to her discovery of rest in its truest form."
by Kristene Silva Marie
Off the top of my medium-sized head, I can only remember stress and worry when I think about the last five years of my life. That’s... really sad, isn’t it?
Hey, don’t form an impression of me just yet. I assure you, I started out great!
My first job back in 2011 was amazing. I had a boss who was like a second father to me. He coached me, gave me opportunities I would have never gotten any other place as a fresh graduate.
I mean, come on, I was a foreign correspondent, editor and journalist within the first six months of the job!
Those are really not normal opportunities. Basically, he set the bar pretty high for the rest of my future ex bosses. I thought I would achieve my goal of doing what I love - writing & music - in five years, maybe seven. I would have a Youtube channel with at least 5 million subscribers and a book out.
What? Even a mouse can dream, alright?
But alas, all good things must come to an end. I had to leave the job and yada, yada. But thankfully, my next job wasn’t bad. Familiar, with a dull daily routine, but not bad.
Then one day, I decided I wanted a change. I wanted to venture into a field that was a little unfamiliar, I wanted growth and of course, I wanted more money.
So I took that chance. See what no one tells you is, a chance is mostly a toss up in the air.
Sometimes, you land on a trampoline and you go up, up, up from there. But sometimes, you land on your face, in horse poo, and then you’re gonna have to pick yourself up and start over. You can probably guess by now that the latter is what happened to me.
During my three-year tenure in that job, I was filled with constant worry, anxiety and fear.
I am a meticulous person, but somehow, the more I paid attention to the details, the more mistakes I made.
Obviously this didn’t sit well with the bosses.
They started questioning my credibility while my performance dwindled further and further. I felt suffocated and desperately looked for a way out.
I couldn’t stand my own underperformance.
I wondered if it was the job, or perhaps my racist, underqualified manager. I blamed everything. I put on 8kgs in five months, I became bitter and almost ANYTHING triggered my temper. Ugh! It was ugly and so, so painful.
At last, I did leave.
Ever heard of the phrase “out of the crocodile’s mouth and into the tiger’s”?
Well, on the rollercoaster I ended up again! I’m gonna save you the painful details to keep this as short as I can but basically I ended up in a different type of horrid work situation.
I began to believe that I am a complete and utter disaster. I felt so embarrassed, so apologetic to my parents, who I know have worked hard to give me the best of everything.
Nothing seemed to work for me. I was crying for no reason all the time and I did not know what to do anymore. I was afraid to apply for other jobs because I believed that this would happen again.
Finally, my time there ended as well. And suddenly, for the first time in 10 years since I began working, I was absolutely and utterly… jobless.
It felt so strange.
Confusion paired with a thousand questions flooded my mind.
“What’s gonna happen now? What am I going to do? How would my family cope? What job to apply for? Passion or money?” But I realised that for the first time in a long time, I felt relief. It was like after a long, hot day of wearing heels, or dress shoes for guys, you finally get home and take ‘em off, that kind of feeling.
Due to the joblessness, I had no choice but to let things happen naturally. I began writing again via a friend who offered me some freelance writing jobs and spending time in devotion. It took me a while to get used to whole days with nothing to submit or present urgently.
A few months later, the Movement Control Order (MCO) was announced and everyone was to stay at home. Not going to lie, I felt a little useless because I was still, basically jobless. Sure I had a part time job but it paid peanuts compared to what I used to earn so I always looked at it as a temporary arrangement. I couldn’t wait to get back into the field.
"Here’s where I should highlight the lesson I learnt during MCO - REST.
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you REST. - Matthew 11:28"
What I didn’t realise was that this arrangement, the part-time job, the freelancing, these were allowing me to finally take a step back from the chaotic lifestyle I used to have, and just rest. I actually began sleeping better, eating healthier, doing things I love, exercising and... living.
I never realised it until much later. People pointed out the differences they saw in me! Of course all this could not have been possible if I did not have a HUGE God and supportive family in my corner.
The “peace that surpasses all understanding” that many speak of, I had never experienced till I lost my job.
How horribly must I have been living my life that it took such a turn of events to learn rest.
Now, some of you are probably wondering, “what on Earth does she mean by rest?
Lazy fella laa. Rest is a waste of time because time is money.” Or if you’re thinking, “I rest. I go home everyday after work, get on the treadmill, watch TV, and then do the most obvious resting anyone can do… I sleep”, then I think I ought to just give you an idea of the rest I’m talking about.
The Cambridge Dictionary states that rest means (cause someone or something to) stop doing a particular activity or stop being active for a period of time in order to relax and get back your strength.
In simpler terms, rest would be equivalent to a comma, not a period.
You are not done with what you were doing when you rest, you are simply taking a moment, a breather, before resuming your duty in full force.
I’ve learnt that it is absolutely necessary in the time of rest, to keep your goal, whatever it may be, in mind and never lose focus of where you are headed, but it is crucial that you take a moment and smell the roses along the way.
In most cases, this time allows you to gain clarity and reminds you of your goal.
Suddenly you’d realise that the path you are on is the wrong one and is actually leading you astray.
All this while, living day-to-day, patching up holes and solving other peoples’ problems has caused you to leave your intended path.
Rest gives you clarity to reset and reroute so you get back on track and back on the road toward that goal.
"As Gandalf said, “Stay on the path, never leave it. If you do, you’ll never find it again. No matter what may come, stay on the path.”
So every day now, I tell myself the same thing. I’m not doing what I studied to do, but does that mean my years of study was a waste? I’m not getting the money I used to get, but does that mean I’m a non-achiever?
I’m realising that I had no peace, no joy and definitely no self-respect when I was receiving those things. Doesn’t that make all those perks pointless?
I am learning that forcing myself on a job, or popularity, having large groups of friends and material things is never going to give me a sleep that I wake up refreshed from, a healthy appetite, a big smile for a stranger at a convenient store... or a pimple-free face (most of the time... those nasty little things).
What’s the use of being bursting full on the outside when I’m completely malnourished inside?
This is a moment I am learning to just rest. My goal has not changed but the details of said goal is now less… obnoxious.
When this moment is past, I know I will be ready to take on what comes next because I’ve taken care of “me”. But first, not quitting, not bowing out, first I’ll just rest.
By Kristene Silva Marie
Copy Editor at The Courage Catalogue.
About the Author :
Kristene Silva Marie is a Copy Editor at The Courage Catalogue. A nocturnal creature by nature, easily excitable and with a knack of talking a little too much, editing seems the only way to calm her major coffee jitters down and put her endless words to good use.
On a more serious note, Kristene has been happily part of esteemed organisations such as The Sun Media Corporation and Monash University Malaysia. Armed with a background in Journalism (a topic she seems to bring up in every conversation), she has contributed in form of words at these organisations via writing/editing news articles and social media. As a thrill-seeker, she is able to sit in the same spot an entire day and complete a 450-page novel in that one sitting. Adventure! Take that, life! On being in The Courage Catalogue team she says, “Hoot hoot!”
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