Most of us were thoroughly unprepared for a sudden halt in everything we had planned for 2020 when Covid-19 became the talk of the town. Frustration and disappointment was unleashed on the world. Zara Jayne shares her experience with this process and how she came to terms with the immediate changes in her life.
by Zara Jayne Marimuthu
“As the skies grew darker, the seas roared with greatness. The waves grew bigger and fiercer. Thunder and lightning resounded. The waves towered above me, right in front of me, and I stared back at them. I took a deep breath and before I knew it, the water overwhelmed me. The current pulled me and churned me. I gave in and let His love and grace carry me instead. In that moment, those were the only things I could hold onto. Then, the storm died down and the wind drew its breath. Silence and stillness were present. He was present. Rays of sunlight peeked its way beneath the clouds as I began to blink my eyes open. Even through the turmoil, that was all I needed: His love and presence, and He still is present, always and forever.”
I wrote this in one of my journal entries during the Movement Control Order (MCO) period.
To be quite frank, I struggled during the first week of MCO. Being a dance teacher, choreographer and performer, all my jobs that were my bread and butter had to be put on hold.
The whole world had hit the pause button.
I was frustrated because ideas and projects had been lined up for me like a box of paint, ready to be picked out and smeared beautifully over that blank canvas that was prepared for me since the beginning of the year.
I was frustrated with people posting on social media that they could work from home and still get paid every month, while my financial means were being cut off.
I was so ready to colour outside the lines and draw my own shapes this year.
I was ready for God to bring me to a deeper level, but suddenly everything looked so different than what I had planned.
God has an interesting way of showing you when and how you need to grow.
He knows what you need to work on and when you need to just sit down and be still.
Your idea of ‘growth’ is a whole different concept and journey than what He has mapped out for you.
I was forced to take a step back and reflect, what is God trying to tell me?
What can I learn during this season? So, I found other ways to stay fruitful - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
"There were days where I would paint, read, write, meditate, pray, catch up on movies and documentaries, listen to an album from start to finish, figure out the next steps for my career and other things that I either haven’t had the time to do or I knew I could have done more of. "
God was unraveling the areas in my life that lacked tender, love and care, like a gardener tending to His blooms. He was filling me up with the right amount of water, soil and sunlight, with the things that inspired and reminded me of my purpose, all over again.
My days were balanced out with creative productivity and absolute serenity.
God turned my mundane moments into experiences of pure joy and contentment, even in the little things like listening to the quietness of the world at daybreak while healing and rebuilding took place.
I know this may all sound so ethereal and far from reality but I hope you won’t feel like you’re not doing enough.
"Sometimes, just waking up and getting out of bed can be such a struggle but even in that state, may you feel the breath of God in your lungs while you stretch your limbs and point your toes. You’ve gotten one more day to live, and another and another. Sometimes, that’s all you need. "
As the weeks went by, fears and anxieties started to creep in my mind like vines growing on the walls.
Was I making enough money from my online classes? What else do I need to do? Can I sustain throughout the year? How else can I express myself through art?
I get to do what I love as my career and I’m still living with my mother so these are the blessings that I’ve been fortunate enough to have, but as an adult now, how am I contributing to this household?
All these thoughts came flooding in and I was drowning in doubt, but no one knew that.
I was conditioned to say that I’m ‘okay’ when I really wasn’t.
That’s when I had to surrender.
I don’t know about you but I know I just cannot do life without God. I cannot do everything on my own. I am not God.
That may sound so cliché but knowing that there is someone so big and mighty, who can also be so personal to you and I, someone who will love you and forgive you deeper, higher and wider than you can possibly imagine, no matter how many times you’ve fallen, someone who still welcomes you with open arms despite you pushing Him away, someone who will always call you His child, no matter how dirty and ugly your mess is, knowing that brings a kind of peace that cannot be put into words.
"There is someone so big and mighty, who can also be so personal to you and I, someone who will love you and forgive you deeper, higher and wider than you can possibly imagine, no matter how many times you’ve fallen, someone who still welcomes you with open arms despite you pushing Him away, someone who will always call you His child, no matter how dirty and ugly your mess is, knowing that brings a kind of peace that cannot be put into words. "
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, it’s okay to fall into the ocean and let it swallow you whole because I can promise you that God will be there.
Even when you think He’s silent, even when you think He has deserted you, just trust that He will carry you through the tidal waves.
Let Him take you to the depths of the sea where you’d find His treasures, kept there specially for you. Trust that His timings and plans go beyond your own.
Go through this process of refining, restoring and restructuring because that’s when we learn and flourish the most. As we’re experiencing the rough water of this Recovery MCO stage, let’s continue to stay faithful in navigating our own journeys of life.
By Zara Jayne Marimuthu
About the Article Contributor :
A dancer and writer, Zara Jayne Marimuthu lives for art through words and movements. Her first published work was for a local Malaysian newspaper, The Star, under the MyStarJob section in 2014 and she has written for indie and university publications in Melbourne such as The Bowen Street Press Review and RMIT’s The Catalyst. With her love for both writing and dancing, she hopes to push creative boundaries, and also inspire others through the message behind each work.
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