"Oh my God, he smokes, drinks like a fish. Pastor’s children have hair like that, can ah? OMG, these days, they are just so bad!" It's time to hear their side of the story.
by Joshua Devaratnam
People like to refer to us as PK's. There's always a hint of cynicism when someone says 'PK'. And most of the time that abbreviation is not associated with the ‘good things'. Why? Because people observe many pastors’ children going astray, they judge without understanding why. We have heard chatter like 'Oh my God he smokes, drinks like a fish, always late, sleeps around la, pastor’s son/daughter have hair like that, can ah? OMG PK' S these days are just so bad!!
There's always so much criticism but very few actually take time to learn and understand why it has resorted to such a state. I'm writing this to share a glimpse into a PKs world and some of the struggles I've gone through so people can be aware and make more calculated assessments in the future on any PK they have a bad opinion on.
I can't say that my experiences represent every PK out there but generally we pretty much go through the same pressures that are put on us.
It's the expectation of following a set of rules that are set out by people whether biblical or not without understanding that a relationship with Jesus cannot be forced but rather it has to be nurtured. This standard is expected to be conformed to by us with or without conviction.
"It's the expectation of following a set of rules that are set out by people whether biblical or not without understanding that a relationship with Jesus cannot be forced but rather it has to be nurtured. This standard is expected to be conformed to by us with or without conviction. "
So, whether I have a walk with Jesus or not, I'm expected to obey every rule and regulation set out by the church. What people fail to realise is that only with conviction and by the empowerment of the Holy Spirit we can obey and love the commandments of God. Without that, it's purely forced. When it is forced, it is not sincere and when it is not sincere, there tends to be rebellion. There's no space to fall and grow. But if you give anyone some leeway to fail, fall and then grow, I believe many will follow Jesus wholeheartedly.
So you may be asking, what's the point of all this sharing? Well I'm sharing this because people that have a bad outlook on pastors’ children should ask themselves why they turned out like that in the first place. Before you pass on criticism, ask what caused a person to behave like that. And most of the time you will be able to trace back the history to some incident that has happened in the past.
I've seen some PKs that hate the church and want nothing to do with us. Why is that? You grow up in supposedly a conducive environment, to be strong in the Lord, but end up the total opposite. Why is that? It is quite shocking.
Back when I was a teenager, I was going through a phase of having different hairstyles. So, in one particular church where my dad was posted, there was a person who took a poll on the kind of hairstyle I had and sent it to all the church leaders asking whether it was right for a pastor’s kid to have the kind of hairstyle I had? It was only cornrows but the way he made it seem in the survey poll, was as if I had committed a grave sin. I was only 17 years old. I remember trying out a ciggy (Marlboro lights) for the first time at the age of 14 which was introduced by a youth leader. He asked me 'wanna try ah'? Try ne lah broo. Of course, I agreed, I was a curious fella, seeking acceptance and validation. Like everyone else, a PK goes through phases where we too seek acceptance and validation from our peers. We too go through issues of major insecurity.
See, being a PK is not easy because we are constantly moving churches (in my case it was every five years) , so our set of friends are constantly changing, so wherever we go, we had to start afresh with a new set of people. After a while, this can psychologically affect you as a person.
In the later part of my life, I realised I was being very superficial in the relationships with the people around me because I was scared of getting hurt. It was a defense mechanism I had developed because we were constantly moving. That's why one can have multiple relationships with partners without wanting to commit or settle down.
You can almost already make the connection here. When you are constantly moving places you get used to leaving a set of people and connecting again with a new set of people. If you get too deep in a relationship, leaving becomes hard right? So this pattern tends to affect your outlook on relationships. You also start doing weird things to be accepted. This can lead up to frustration with the system that you end up rebelling against the church. It all starts somewhere folks.
Secondly, the rigidity of the rules and regulations that's placed on us is not practical. PK's go through major scrutiny from church folk. If I did something wrong compared to a normal church goer, the spotlight will be on me - it's inevitable.
"If I did something wrong compared to a normal church goer, the spotlight will be on me - it's inevitable"
I understand that as a pastor’s kid, there are certain standards that have to be lived up to. But, like everyone else, we too have to experience the love of Jesus, the conviction of sin before there's repentance and growth in our lives. Sadly, people are not very gracious when we slip.
How do you expect pastors’ children to love Christ when the love of Christ is not shown to us in the first place? By forcing us to conform to a certain human standard, you are not in any way helping us in our growth.
I once went to a church and someone asked me what I had studied for in college. I said I did law and the look of shock he gave me was priceless. He said ”fellas like you also can do law ah”? I was dumbfounded by his response. I thought to myself “is this really the church ah”?
How do we share the gospel with others when we are so quick to judge our members in church? It's like everyone has this preconceived notion of how a pastor’s kid should look and behave in a church setting. That's NOT the teaching of Jesus at all.
Christ loved the most messed up ones and knew how to approach each individual. Look at how he approached the woman at the well, the prostitute. And even His disciples. Many times, we do not represent Christ in the correct way because we have a limited or poor understanding of who He is.
Now, many reading this will be thinking “Why is this fella blaming everyone but himself?”
Well I'm not shifting the blame to the people around me. I am simply saying, if the environment around me was of love and support and less judgy, the likeliness of me rebelling would have significantly reduced.
"Well I'm not shifting the blame to the people around me. I am simply saying, if the environment around me was of love and support and less judgy, the likeliness of me rebelling would have significantly reduced. "
If the system was kinder and gracious to me, I would have thrived and grown in the Lord much, much earlier. I've seen PKs that thrive under good leadership and good people around them.
For my every negative action, I had a choice to choose the path I was going on. So, I am not denying that they were my bad choices and decisions. However, there were countless number of incidents that were a result of people just being extremely judgemental and insensitive to the journey of a pastor’s family. This was also a big reason for much of my rebellion, as well.
Now, when I look back, it was as if the enemy was trying his best to take me out at an early stage. Sometimes I feel it was a Joseph-like experience where the people around me thrived on getting me off track. Like it brought joy to them. It's crazy, folks!
But what the enemy meant for evil, God turned it for good. The prayers of my aunties and family saved me from going to the pits of hell. Today, there's a fire within me that's burning so deeply that Jesus is my first love. I love Him more than anything else in my life.
My sincere plea to all reading is this, the next time you want to talk about a pastor or his/her family, ask the “why” before being critical. If you want them to change, pray for them. Love on them.
There were many times where I thought God was going to punish me for the things I had done wrong but instead He showed me His tremendous love and grace. That caused me to change and want to follow Him even more. So, why can't we be gracious with others as Jesus is with us? What excuse do we have, when He even defeated death on the cross to save us from our sins?
"There were many times where I thought God was going to punish me for the things I had done wrong but instead He showed me His tremendous love and grace"
We need much humility in our lives folks. Lets judge lesser, be more gracious and love more this year. Trust me, if God can turn someone like me around 180 degrees, God can do wonders in the lives of other pastors’ kids as well.
I finish this article with a quote someone who knew me as a teenager once said. He said “bro, when I looked at you back then, I never thought you would ever change and I always used to wonder how can a pastor’s son be like this. I really thought you had no hope.” Many of you feel like this about pastors’ children that have gone astray.
If God can save someone like me because of the fervent and faithful prayers of very concerned people in my life, then why can't He do it for your pastors’ kids.
Pray for your pastors and their families. You have no idea of the journey and struggles they go through on a daily basis.
"Pray for your pastors and their families. You have no idea of the journey and struggles they go through on a daily basis. "
Also, if you have bad-mouthed your pastor and his/her family, it's time to put an end to this and seek forgiveness. It's time we represent Christ and His teachings in the proper manner. Jesus is coming back for a purified bride, not a tainted one. So, let's look inward, rather than outward, and self-inspect before we criticise others..
To every PK out there that feels like there's no hope and feels constantly judged, I want to assure you that God loves you and He's calling you back into His loving arms. Don't run away from Him but run to HIM. There is much comfort and love in the arms of Jesus!
Remember the story of the prodigals son. The Father was so excited to welcome the son home despite what he had done. Similarly, God the Father is waiting for you to come back into His loving arms! He will make a way where there seems to be no way!
People may never understand your journey but when you place your concerns and hurts in the hands of Jesus, He will guide you to freedom..Stay hopeful!
God bless you and have a great day folks! 😊
Sincerely,
A messed up PK that was touched by Jesus..
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A really great testimony and sharing about the journey of a PK!