Why do some marriages work while some just completely and utterly crumble? Is there a special ingredient to this mix called marriage? Samuel sheds some light on tips for a marital journey. Stay on the boat!
by Samuel James Sivanathan
We were never ready for this!
None of us, none, ever. As divorce applications start to pile up globally, one may ask on what happened to the heavenly promises made at the earthly altar of sacredness? So much of marital ‘don’ts’ in this season that we have forgotten the ‘do’s’.
The alarming rate of couples parting ways serves as an indication that the current generation is not fighting enough to save their marriages.
Do not be misled by the all-time popular ‘what went wrong’ poll when it should have been ‘what was not done’ or done right.
All of these - my own 15 years of marriage, co-counselling married couples and divorced individuals, the books we read and influencers we follow were all available to my wife and me for reconnaissance (investigation).
I would also like to add that we have 4 children between the ages of 5 to 14, two of whom are special needs and we are only able to have one working spouse at this moment.
So, as a couple, we are recommending these 8 practical and fail-proof tips for your marriage in this season.
"As divorce applications start to pile up globally, one may ask on what happened to the heavenly promises made at the earthly altar of sacredness? So much of marital ‘don’ts’ in this season that we have forgotten the ‘do’s’. "
#1 – Managing Communication
I am a very good listener, except towards my wife!
My depravity in listening to her has somewhat caused a strain in our communication.
Over the years I have learned to listen more and talk more about what I have just listened to.
My wife and I both agree that listening is of ultimate importance in marriage and have concluded that married couples are not talking and listening enough.
And if you are, then patience, sadly, is a new virus that is dreaded in these conversations.
How much time does a couple spend communicating with each other effectively, without looking at the clock? As much as you NEED till you run out of toxic emotions.
Talk about daily wins, the defeats, the past mistakes and the list goes on.
But choose the right time to talk about sensitive issues. Remove that hat of judgement and criticism (destroy it if you can). Choose the gold that you see in each other and not the rock dirt that covers it.
#2 – Aspiring for the New Balance
Planning, over-thinking and then over-planning is what I consider one of my greatest talents.
But this self-bragging did come with severe analysis-paralysis.
I had to learn to share the burden of planning with my wife. She highlights, I write down, then we follow as much as we could.
Results? Mostly successful.
We have a weekly schedule we share on WhatsApp, from the children’s school hours to my many zoom meetings.
Do you have a weekly plan and goal as a couple in this season of post-interruption new normal?
If you are both working from home, is there a common understanding of who does what and when.
The fear of failure cannot have a role in this aspiration.
We cannot declare a ‘see I told you it won’t work’ like a victim of wrong endings. We need to move to a steady place of continuous trials and errors as we aim for excellence in this new normal.
So, go get that ‘mahjong’ sheet to write out the monthly schedule and organise your future days ahead.
#3 – Resident Hoarder : Giving Up the Real Mistress
Are you the spouse hoarding unnecessary items in your house (or are you both)?
This is bizarre – tell me more about relationship know-hows”, you may say. Well, this is a relationship know-how.
Make an inventory list of items that you are having problems parting with. You will see a pattern of emotional attachment to these items.
A vintage car maybe or an overload of garden potteries? You will find that these items nurse you from wounds incurred during your royal battles of disagreements.
One advice – please DEPART from this lustful addiction! There is no commitment and the pleasures are only temporary. Plus, it’s expensive and it does not solve or bring the needed healing in marriage (in fact, it makes it worse).
#4 – Risk & Threat Elimination
There is no greater risk to take than to making sure the marriage and the children are taken care of and provided for. That includes talking about ‘taboo’ subjects that once was and still is a…taboo.
Ask this question frequently and without putting a cool front - are my unresolved marriage issues a risk or threat? You will be surprised with the answer, which is a 100% yes.
With the unresolved, our children are at risk of developing dysfunctional behavior patterns.
I can promise you that couples that resolved issues will end up having a family with rich emotional health.
And the person to lead is not the wife but the husband (hope you are both reading this).
"Men are made to lead emotionally and sexually (not just sexually). "
Husbands who have learned to lead emotionally and sexually will see the fruits of their labor in their wife. My wife and I had great mentors in this area and our heart is to pour back to those who need it.
#5 – Incubate, Do Not Inhibit
The home is a place of personal and family growth.
Allow errors and increase the capacity to forgive and forget, immediately and unconditionally.
Personally, I had issues in forgetting what I have forgiven.
My wife, on the hand, was able to forget so quickly although she might struggle with forgiveness.
So, that makes me more poisonous in nature and her more resentful. We deal with this every day but, you know what? It only gets better. Always try and try again, always.
Check your language and tone with each other. Is it encouraging and equips the person listening? Or does it reflect lethargy and frustration?
"A rested body does not inhibit or prohibit growth (neither makes the husband a lesser man) but becomes a catapult for further incubation. As opposed to popular culture that overworking is healthy, there needs to be a time for rest and recharge. "
Get time to also sit down together and talk about both your fathers (or anyone you had as a father figure). This is a place for revelation and moving into the reality that you so need.
Both my father and father-in-law are great men that my wife and I love and honor.
But we came to an agreement that there was a core issue that they did not deal with – they took identity in work (and did psychological ‘hiding’ behind it) and felt that lethargy to the point of illness or death was a good way to reflect integrity and high-level responsibility.
No, IT IS NOT! Please, do not attempt industrial or family ‘kamikaze’.
#6 – ‘Allowable’ & ‘Non-allowable’: The Art of Achieving Unity
Do not confuse these two references as a set of ‘His’ or ‘Hers’ guidebooks. Nothing of that sort and nothing self-seeking.
As a couple, list down a set of allowable and non-allowable joint actions, commonly agreed upon and morally permissible.
For an example, couples can have friends from the opposite gender but should give permission to their spouse to ask and check if there is emotional infidelity (which is the starting place of any possible full-blown affairs).
Usually if there is sexting or flirtatious messages, the spouse doing it will either hide it or defend it.
Give permission to your husband or wife to go through your gadgets if they are sniffing something. This is not to feed on their suspiciousness or mistrust but rather to build trust and kick out any attempts to destroy your unity as a couple.
Highly recommended if either spouse had or having troubles in keeping conversation within respectable boundaries, with people outside their marriage.
If you can achieve oneness in the most difficult and darkest places, you can then achieve it in any other matters.
But if you can’t or if you think your spouse is not able to hear the difficult truth, then please seek immediate help if there are major issues in this arena of privacy & confidentiality. As a couple, we have been through this dark cycle before and hurt is inevitable.
How do we overcome it? Confess, forgive and most importantly, continue to honor.
Why is honour important? Without honour - suspicion, labeling and emotional pain will continue to exist.
#7 – ‘Going the extra the mile’
Kill apathy before it kills your marriage. Do extra for your spouse.
Acknowledge the extra done for you.
You may say it does not do anything or change one bit. Here is the truth – it does not have to! If we are expecting something in return, then we are broken people desperate for conditional love.
"The powerful being that created us had unconditional love while designing us. "
There is no requirement to love back unless there is conviction to love back.
Let us love our spouse unconditionally without expecting, anything at all!
I have woken up at 1am to get supper for my wife because she forgot dinner after a full day of sorting out our children and the home. And she, understanding my cycle of sexual needs, will push herself to make sure we have great intimacy, despite of all that is going on.
#8 – ‘Embark Always, Disembark Never’
"Marriage is a journey on a self-”less” boat - for the new or the seasoned, for the storm or the calm, for life or death.
There is only one boat and one other person.
We need to keep trying and every time we feel that we want to disembark, we need to remind ourselves that a beautiful journey could be concluded prematurely, abruptly.
Keep running back to your spouse. Keep running back to that boat.
That boat has two very major parts and it is incomplete without the other. The rudder is useless without the helm and the helm is, without the rudder.
"Marriage is a journey on a self-”less” boat - for the new or the seasoned, for the storm or the calm, for life or death.
Identify what brought you together and what kept you going.
Search for the barnacles of selfishness and discontentment that is subtly threatening your boat. Park that boat and clean those up before you continue your journey AND you will be surprised.
Finally, please, seek help if you are struggling in your marriage!
by Samuel James Sivanathan
About the Article Contributor:
Samuel James Sivanathan is a regional manager for a global non-profit organization, a firm he has been with for a year now. Prior to this, he was involved with the Malaysian international and private schools for 8 years; serving in the capacities of a vice principal and teacher. He and his wife Teoanna have 4 children between the ages of 5 to 14. They love to help couples who are planning to get married and married couples who have serious struggles.
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