Understanding Grief

Audio Available

"Many have experienced loss, or known someone who has. With loss comes the grieving period, often taking a major toll on the mourning. The writer of this article, having experienced her share of heartbreaking loss, provides some ways to manage the period to come out of it stronger."

by Jessica Ann

There are several types of grief one may face in their lifetime. The most common one is from the loss of someone special. But many of us have also been hit close to home, when a family member or a good friend passes on.

All of a sudden, we’re faced with this grief - an unwanted guest in our homes, in our hearts.

So many painful questions seem to overwhelm us. “What and how did it happen?” “Why now?”

“What happens when I call them tomorrow and I can’t speak to them?

Or roll over on my bed and can’t see the face I’m so used to seeing?”? “Will I ever get over this?”

“Will I ever be able to love and cherish life and the ones I have around me again?”

"As I was amid completing this write-up and editing it with my cousin, I was faced with the deepest loss in my whole life. "

My dad passed on unexpectedly and very suddenly last month, and in some ways this write-up was put on hold.

I received the call while I was in the midst of receiving an award from my company for a successful completion of a project I was working on and rushed home.

Completely void of thoughts, I drove to my dad’s house.

I will never forget the sinking feeling I felt in my heart when I saw him motionless. The first thought that came to mind was, “What were his last words to me?”.

I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember the last conversation we had, and it felt like a thousand knives stabbing me.

It’s going to be almost two months since I’ve lost the closest person to me and as I process the many thoughts I’m having on my own, I realised that it has been happening in stages:

The 5 stages of grief:

Stage 1: Denial (e.g. “This can’t be happening to me.”)
Stage 2: Anger (e.g. “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”)
Stage 3: Bargaining (e.g. “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”)
Stage 4: Depression (e.g. “I’m too sad to do anything.”)
Stage 5: Acceptance (e.g. “I’m at peace with what happened.”)

There is a very fine but distinguishable line that separates grief from depression.

Grief is more like big waves hitting you on some days while on other days, it is as calm as a quiet sea.

During your grieving period, it is not unusual to even have happy moments or good times.

Depression on the other hand, is just a constant feeling of emptiness, sadness and loneliness.

The source of grief often differs from person to person. These are some areas which can cause us grief but sometimes, we just don't realise that we are, in fact, grieving:

Divorce or relationship breakup
Loss of health
Loss of financial stability
A miscarriage
Retirement
Death of a pet
Loss of a cherished dream
A loved one’s serious illness
Loss of a friendship

If some of the causes above seem familiar to you, I’m here to tell you, you are not alone.

The grieving process starts by recognising that a big change has happened in your life.

Learning to identify and cope with it will take time and a lot of prayer.

When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself.

The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time.

Here are 7 ways to look out for yourself while grieving:

1. Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

2. Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to your loved one.

3. Try to maintain your hobbies and interests. There’s comfort in routine and getting back to the activities that bring you joy and connect you closer to others can help you come to terms with your loss and aid the grieving process.

4. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

5. Plan ahead for grief “triggers.” Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

6. Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel healthy physically, you’ll be better able to cope emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

7. Pray and surrender to the Lord. Most of us tend to brush aside that above everything else, God is ever ready to help us in our time of need. He is the only one that will be able to pick us up and empower us to handle grief. He is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. We just need to speak to Him and ask for courage and strength. Like a Father to his child, He will comfort us, reassure us and His overwhelming Love and presence will be the assurance that He is with us when we put our faith in Him. Sometimes the most difficult problems can’t be solved in the human eye but can be solved by God when we trust in Him. Every turmoil and pain you’ve even felt, will be stripped away when God is present in our lives.